How Can Object Relations Theory be Used in Couples Therapy?

The Lovers (Autumn Evening), Painting by Emile Friant, 1888

Object Relations Theory, a branch of psychoanalytic thought, focuses on the idea that our early experiences with caregivers significantly influence the way we relate to others throughout life. In couples or marriage therapy, this perspective helps individuals uncover how early internalized relationships, known as "object relations", influence current patterns of attachment, intimacy, and conflict. Object relations theorists state that humans are fundamentally driven by the need for connection, unlike Freud’s emphasis mostly on sexual and aggressive drives, and therapy focuses on addressing the unconscious factors from early life that may interfere with healthy adult relationships.

In this approach, “objects” do not refer to things, but rather to significant others, usually early caregivers, and the mental representations we carry of them. These internalized images, formed during infancy and early childhood, influence how we see ourselves and our partners. For example, someone who experienced an emotionally inconsistent caregiver may unconsciously expect rejection in their romantic relationship, leading to patterns of withdrawal, protest, or conflict. In couples therapy, these dynamics are explored to help each partner understand their emotional reactions and how early unmet needs may be playing out in the present.

A common issue that comes up in couples therapy through the approach of object relations is “splitting”, the unconscious categorization of one’s partner as all-good or all-bad. This binary thinking can lead to chronic cycles of idealization and devaluation, conflict escalation, and emotional disconnection. Object relations therapy works to integrate these split-off parts of self and other, helping each partner view themselves and each other more realistically and compassionately. The therapeutic process supports the development of mature object constancy which is the ability to maintain a stable emotional connection even when disappointed or frustrated.

Paolo and Francesca da Rimini (Study), Sketch by Dante Gabriel Rossetti, 1855

The therapeutic relationship plays a main role in object relations couples therapy. The therapist models a “good enough” relationship which includes being reliable, attuned, and emotionally present through creating a safe, empathetic environment. This helps patients challenge defensive patterns, such as projecting past wounds onto their partner, and gradually build the capacity for vulnerability, healing, and emotional intimacy. As couples become more self-aware in their ability to recognize the origins of their relational behaviours, they can begin to change deep-seated dynamics and form healthier and fulfilling connections.

Although object relations therapy usually requires a deeper and longer-term investment, it offers couples the opportunity to work through core and deep-seated emotional wounds that more solution-focused approaches may overlook. In looking at the unconscious dynamics which develop in early life and how they can show up in adult relationships, couples can move beyond symptom relief and toward change.