What is Ambivalence in a Relationship?

Over the Horizon: A Jersey Nocturne, Painting by Claude Francis Barry, 1948

Ambivalence in a relationship refers to the experience of holding conflicting feelings about another person at the same time. Someone may feel deeply attached to a partner while also feeling frustrated, distant, doubtful, or even resentful. These feelings do not necessarily mean that the relationship is unhealthy or that the individual no longer cares. In many relationships, love and disappointment, closeness and irritation, or longing and hesitation can coexist. Ambivalence becomes more significant when these opposing feelings feel difficult to understand, repeatedly disrupt the relationship, cause confusion, or leave someone uncertain about what they truly want.

From a psychodynamic perspective, ambivalence can reflect the complexity of our emotional lives and the ways earlier relationships continue to influence present ones. Experiences with parents, caregivers, family members, or previous partners may influence how people interpret intimacy, conflict, dependence, rejection, and emotional closeness. Someone who learned that closeness could also bring disappointment or unpredictability, for example, may strongly desire connection while simultaneously feeling an urge to withdraw from it. These reactions can occur outside of conscious awareness and may feel confusing when they seem inconsistent with how the individual consciously understands the relationship.

The House with the Red Tree, Painting by Léo Gausson, 1890.

Ambivalence may become particularly noticeable during periods of increased intimacy, conflict, commitment, or change. An individual may want reassurance from a partner but feel uncomfortable when reassurance is offered, seek closeness and then feel overwhelmed by it, or repeatedly question the relationship despite also fearing its loss. At times, people may alternate between idealizing a partner and focusing intensely on their perceived shortcomings. These shifts can represent an attempt to manage difficult emotions, including vulnerability, dependency, fear of abandonment, anger, guilt, or anxiety about losing a sense of independence.

Ambivalence does not always need to be resolved by choosing one feeling over another. Psychodynamic psychotherapy can instead help patients become more curious about what their conflicting emotions may represent. Therapy may explore when particular feelings emerge, how the patient experiences closeness and distance, what patterns recur across relationships, and whether present reactions resemble earlier relational experiences. The therapeutic relationship itself can also provide an opportunity to notice and understand these patterns as they come up in a safe setting.

Developing a greater capacity to tolerate ambivalence can allow patients to experience relationships in a more integrated and realistic way over time. Patients may become better able to hold affection, anger, disappointment, desire, and vulnerability together instead of feeling that a partner must be entirely good or entirely disappointing, or that uncertainty necessarily means a relationship should end. This deeper understanding can support more thoughtful decisions, clearer communication, and a greater ability to remain emotionally connected while recognizing both the strengths and limitations of a relationship.